Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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