He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
