Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
