everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
