Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
