Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
