I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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