One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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