Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
