Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
