I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
