The maid of honor just puked.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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