I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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