Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
