mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
