I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I checked into jail on foursquare
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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