ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
