I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
