Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
