first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
