Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
