She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
