bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
