Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
