Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
