I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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