He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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