people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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