my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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