We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
