I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
