I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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