I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Vodka?
Forever.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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