Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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