3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
