Please, let me fuck your mom
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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