Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
