I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
