he was CRYING into my vagina
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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