I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
