This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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