i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
