how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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