why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
