My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
