Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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