I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
