So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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