those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
3 2 1 whiskey
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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