I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
