You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
