god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
