Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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