So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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