Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
