Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
