At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize