Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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