My hand turned me down
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
