I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
